It’s Okay To Admit When Things Are Hard Going

Life Isn’t Easy…Not for any of us.

We all have times when we find things hard going, but how often do we put on a brave face and pretend that things are all hunky-dory?

Why do we feel that we can’t admit when we are not coping well or are finding things hard going?

It’s never easy to admit when we find things hard going, but sometimes we’ve just got to hold our hands up and admit when things are hard and that we feel like we are fighting a losing battle.

hard going

How Do I know This?

You may have read my post about Gregs, my son, who after a lifetime of being ‘different’ has recently been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, having a sensory disorder and apraxia, to go along with the myopathy he was diagnosed with a few years back

That all happened back in February and since then he has been having all sorts of regular therapy sessions and every couple of weeks, me and my husband get to talk to a psychiatrist that deals with Gregs to talk about how he is doing and what we can do to help him.

Basically he has a lot of relearning to do, as the way he learned to do things as a young child has stuck with him and he doesn’t know how to really think for himself. He was never like other young children when it came to wanting to do things for himself and it wasn’t because he was lazy – as so many people told us – it was because his brain works in a different way to ours and he didn’t and still doesn’t know how to.

Helping him to relearn things is hard and requires a lot of patience. He is seventeen years of age and whilst being different in many ways from other teenage boys, he still has the attitude of a seventeen year old man/child.

As my husband works long hours seven days a week in the summer, the bulk of helping Gregs falls at my feet and at times I find it so hard. I am a patient person, people often comment on just how patient a person I am, but even I find myself having to take so many deep breathes to stay calm at times, that I could probably have a good stab at the world record for free diving.

I am always thinking how we can make things easier for Gregs to learn. My brain seems to be constantly thinking, how, what or why. And it is hard.

Why I Am Reluctant To Admit That I am Finding Things Hard…

I think I am reluctant to admit that I am finding things hard, because I am a Mum and being a Mum means that I must find the strength to do what’s best for my children and that’s not always going to be easy.

I feel that if I admit to having times when I doubt my ability to help Gregs that I am being selfish. I often feel like it’s an uphill battle. A battle that I am fighting on my own; and those are hard words to say out loud.

I also feel that if I admit out loud to finding things hard going that I am letting people down.

All of which just adds more pressure, making things feel even harder than they are. It’s a vicious circle!

What We Are Up Against…

We have been told that there is no way of knowing yet how Gregs will develop. His hope is to be able to live an independent life; to have friends, to work and to live on his own and more than anything that is what we want for him too. But it’s going to take a lot of work and it’s certainly not going to happen over night, if at all. We have to be realistic.

Things that most of us just ‘get’, he doesn’t, I have to explain things time and time again and in different ways in the hope that he will understand why he has to do certain things…At times he even has to be reminded to do the basics like eating and drinking.

He has no sense of time. Often things he is supposed to do on his own, don’t get done and I can’t get cross, we just have to keep trying. Everyday is a new day and we start again.  Remember the film Groundhog Day?…Life is very much like Groundhog Day in this family. Things are repeated and played out differently until the penny drops, even for just a moment.

Gregs does get cross at times – wouldn’t we all! – and I have to take a deep breath, walk out into the garden, hug a tree then try again later when he has calmed down.

How I Felt After Holding My Hands Up And Saying I Am Finding This Hard Going…

Pure relief and like a weight had been lifted. I walked out of the therapists office knowing that it was okay to walk in there and say this is hard and I’m honestly not sure if I can do this….There are days when I have seriously questioned and doubted myself. There are days when I am not sure if we will ever make it to where we want to be, but we have to keep trying. There are fleetingly brief moments when I feel I could just walk away and not look back.

I want more than anything for us to get there in the end. I want to stand there with my son and to be able to look back and say we got there and he’s living a life of his own! It wasn’t easy, but we did it!

I know that nothing can be done to make things easier for us. There is no magic potion or pill that will change things for Gregs, it’s just going to take time. It’s going to take a lot of speech therapy, cognitive therapy and occupational therapy to get him where he needs to be to live an independent life.

I know that by admitting that I am finding things hard at times doesn’t mean that I am failing him or letting him down….It just means that I am human!

I also know that whatever the outcome we are lucky that things are not worse. For however hard I may find things at times, there will always be people who are having it harder and that helps me to keep things in perspective.

When life is hard do you freely admit it? Or do you bottle it up and let it get you down?…Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below…

The Deliberate Mom

Copyright © 2014 Debbie Roberts

© 2014, debsrandomwritings.com. All rights reserved.

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Comments

  1. 5

    says

    This post is beautiful. I can relate to that “things are fine” attitude as I grin and bare all of life’s qualms. I pride myself on holding it together, and I have trouble expressing my true feelings. I;ve developed a bad habit of confusing myself when it comes to my true feelings- I’m so used to pushing through things that I don’t even know when I’m hurt or sad. I have to sit and think about why I reacted a certain way or got upset and then I realize- oh…I was sad, and I’ve been sad or whatever the feeling is. So yes, you’re human, and just because something is hard or a challenge doesn’t make you weak or any less. That’s something I can stand remembering myself. <3
    Rebecca recently posted…Why I Gave My Firstborn’s Receiving Blanket to the DogsMy Profile

    • 6

      says

      Hi Rebecca, it’s so easy to brush aside our own feelings, especially when we have a family, that it becomes second nature. And you are right that we often react in a certain way because of how we are really feeling.

      Most of the time we can get on with things and things get easier, but sometimes that just isn’t the case and that is when we must acknowledge at least to ourselves that we are battling…..So yes, it’s an important thing for you to remember too! ;)
      Debbie Roberts recently posted…Dogs, Cars And The Sun Are A Recipe For Disaster!My Profile

    • 8

      says

      Hi Jen, the main relief was actually saying the words out loud, I know there is nothing the therapists can do to make things easier, but they always make things sound so easy and the reality of it is that it isn’t.

      I also think as Mums we are programmed to put in a brave face and to just get on with it, but that’s probably more damaging than anything. If we don’t admit when things are hard, how does anyone know how we feel? They may not be able to make things easier, but now when I have to take a deep breath and walk away I know it’s okay to do that. And that takes away some of the pressure.

      Thank you for the kind words and for reading my post.
      Debbie Roberts recently posted…Mommy Reality Challenge #12 – When Photos Fail!My Profile

  2. 9

    says

    When I get overwhelmed, I tend to bottle things up. I know it’s not a “healthy” choice but it’s second-nature for me. I wish I could reach out more to others but I think I’ve had so many instances of people hurting me when I’m most vulnerable, that I tend to shy away from opening up.

    I’m praying this will change. I’m also praying that you will get the strength you will need to get through the rough days.

    Thanks so much for sharing (and for linking up to the #SHINEbloghop).

    Wishing you a lovely day.
    xoxo
    Jennifer | The Deliberate Mom recently posted…Our Complete Grade 2 Homeschool CurriculumMy Profile

    • 10

      says

      I too tend to put a smile on my face and get on with it. And in the case of Greg’s even more so, as unless you have a child like Greg’s or live with him it is nigh on impossible to explain what it’s like, but that day I had to. I have found that the therapists outline things for us to do and give us a program and make it all sound so easy to follow, when the reality of it is that it isn’t. and I felt they had to know that. And to actually say it out loud was a relief.

      If Greg’s were a young child then things would be different again, not easier per se, but more open for teaching. At the moment there are times when I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall and I know it’s no bodies fault.

      One thing I have learned in life is that we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for and we can get through even the toughest of situations when we have to.

      Thank you for your kind words and for stopping by.
      Debbie Roberts recently posted…Mommy Reality Challenge #12 – When Photos Fail!My Profile

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